Biographies are an oddly mutable and selective thing — particularly third-person autobiographies — and I find myself giving different publishers entirely different bios over time. Different perspectives, highlighting different things, each creating a semi-fictive persona to present to the readers. Perhaps something akin to truth can be arrived at by triangulating from these different perspectives. Or perhaps this will just lead to confusion. Either conclusion seems acceptable.

• From The Evil Gazebo

  Much to his embarrassment, Bernie Mojzes has outlived Lord Byron, Percy Shelley, Janice Joplin and the Red Baron, without even once having been shot down over Morlancourt Ridge. Having failed to achieve a glorious martyrdom, he has instead turned his hand to the penning of paltry prose (a rather wretched example of which you currently hold in your hands), in the pathetic hope that he shall here find the notoriety that has thus far proven elusive.
  
  Should Pity, or perhaps a Perverse Curiosity move you to seek him out, he can be found at http://www.kappamaki.com.

• From Bad-Ass Faeries 2: Just Plain Bad

  Mostly, Bernie has dabbled. In what? you ask. Well, let's see. He's fiddled with UNIX, he's framed pictures, he's taught college courses and karate classes, he's designed and built networks and generated propaganda for the technical elite masses. He has studied the Great Philosophers and mocked them all. He plays bass and occasionally warbles a bit off-key. He introduced the shinai as an effective and indispensable Internet Salesperson training tool. He's wandered into and out of grad school with naught to show for it but an overinflated sense of self-importance. And, apparently, he's also dabbled with writing. Loki disapproves of this last activity: she looks at the screen, then at Bernie's face, then sighs deeply and lays her adorably furry head across the keyboard. Enough, she says. And then: Feed me.

• From Dead Souls

  Bernie Mojzes has, at various times in his life, framed pictures, taught college courses, practiced martial arts, and designed and built computer networks. He has also been accused of committing public acts of Music and Philosophy. Bernie's short stories appear or are forthcoming in a number of anthologies, including "Bad-Ass Faeries" series, "Dead Souls," "Dragon Lure," and "Barbarians at the Jumpgate," as well as in "Crossed Genres." "The Evil Gazebo," a short, illustrated neo-gothic faux-children's tale (illustrations by Linda Saboe) is pending publication from Dark Quest Books. He can be found wandering aimlessly around the Internet at odd hours, or at www.kappamaki.com.

• From Stretched

  Bernie Mojzes' stories have appeared or are forthcoming in a number of magazines and anthologies, including Daily Science Fiction, Crossed Genres, Dead Souls, and In an Iron Cage. He also has a short, illustrated book entitled The Evil Gazebo. Several of his erotic tales have been accepted by Circlet Press, in Like a Vorpal Blade, Like a Treasure Found, and Whispers in Darkness. In his (ahem) copious free time, he co-edits The Journal of Unlikely Entomology.

• From Spells & Swashbucklers

  Bernie Mojzes is the author of The Evil Gazebo, and is also responsible for a passle of short stories that have or will appear in various anthologies and magazines, including Daily Science Fiction, Dead Souls, Crossed Genres and the Bad-Ass Faeries Series. In his copious free time, he co-edits The Journal of Unlikely Entomology. Although he has on occasion been accused of committing Public Acts of Music and Philosophy, no charges were ever filed. To register a complaint, please visit www.kappamaki.com.

  A rather more sordid prequel to this sordid tale, "On Arid Seas," appears in Like a Treasure Found, an anthology of pirate-themed erotica from Circlet Press. If, you know, you like that sort of thing.

• From Fantastic Erotica: The Best of Circlet Press 2008-2012

  If Bernie Mojzes has one failing (and I've got it on good authority (references available on request) that he's got quite a bit more), it's that he doesn't understand genre. He writes stuff. Sometimes it's "What if Gomer Pyle was a British swamp faerie fighting the Nazis?"; other times it's "You know, caterpillars could be the new cephalopods." He lets other people tell him whether it's steampunk or dieselpunk or whatever. Some of it (he's told) is apparently erotica, and you're holding one of those stories now. There are others, in Circlet's Like a Vorpal Blade and Like a Treasure Found, and most recently, in Stretched, his first dead-tree format pr0n. It's not all smut, alas: he's got a short, illustrated book called The Evil Gazebo, and stories in Daily Science Fiction, Crossed Genres, Dead Souls, and a passel of other places. In his copious free time, he co-edits the Journal of Unlikely Entomology. If you're so inclined to learn more, and/or to register a complaint, please visit www.kappamaki.com.

• From the podcast of On Arid Seas

  It all started with a throwaway comment on the idea of Alice in Wonderland themed erotica - "You know, caterpillars could be the new cephalopods." It was a quick ride to Depravity from there. It's not all naughty bits, of course. Bernie's also got a short, illustrated book entitled "The Evil Gazebo," and short stories out or forthcoming in a variety of magazines and anthologies. In his copious free time, he co-edits The Journal of Unlikely Entomology. For more sordid details, please feel free to visit www.kappamaki.com.